Yesterday was the first time I had my daughter beside me and completely lost awareness of her existence.  I was watching Call the Midwife on PBS, the premiere of season 2.  I eagerly anticipated season 2.  My husband even set up the DVD recorder for good measure, so I wouldn’t miss a word.  He was occupied with an Amazon purchase on the computer, which is also in the living room where I was watching TV.  My daughter was beside me, sitting on the futon.  Normally if I try to watch television, I try to occupy her at the same time, either by watching her as she plays with her toys or nursing her when she’s hungry.  Yesterday, she was seated beside me with her toys, and at 8 pm, I became so engrossed with a TV show that I did not notice that she was beside me.  An entire hour passed without me being aware.  What was she doing during this time?  I asked my husband, whose back was turned away from us most of the time because he was occupied with Amazon.  He said that when he did turn around, he saw our daughter looking at me and looking at the TV.  Damn.  I felt bad, and I should have felt bad.  How could I allow myself to be engrossed by this TV show at the expense of my daughter?  And what lessons am I teaching my daughter?  How to watch television?  How to be mesmerized by moving pictures?  I must admit, I’m a big fan of the show.  I don’t watch many shows on TV, but Call the Midwife is one of my favorites.  I think it is fantastic that home births and alternatives to hospital births are being shown and talked about on TV.  I view these women as heroines.  (I’m waiting for someone to comment why the midwives are riding bicycles while the doctor arrives in a fancy car.)  It’s amazing to me that an entire hour passed when I didn’t think about my daughter’s existence.  Maybe it’s because I’m with her almost all the time.  (“Full-time” doesn’t do justice.  With a few exceptions, I’m her 24 hour/day caretaker and entertainer.)  Maybe my mind wanted to wander somewhere else, and somewhere else it did.  Boy it felt great to be entertained.  But the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends no television for children under 2 years of age.  I don’t want my daughter’s neurons rewired to put her at risk of getting ADD or turning into a TV addict.  What this experience taught me is that maybe I do need some time to myself on a regular basis.  The hubby has been busy with his stuff, some of it pretty serious, when he gets home from work.  So I hope we can work something out, because I sure have been asking for some time “off.”