In the last couple weeks, I feel like things are really coming together for me as a mom. Growing up as a Gen X-er, I looked down upon women who stayed home to raise their children. How much skill could that possibly involve, I thought at the time, compared to studying international politics and economics and working in an office doing something… important.
Well, as I found out, I was totally wrong about that. Being a stay-at-home mom involves flexing a different muscle, muscles, or skills, I didn’t have. My biggest challenge- how to juggle housework with a crying baby.
My baby wants attention. I’m supposed to do the dishes. Or worse, I’m very hungry and need to cook a meal. “Whaaaaaagh….”
Ignoring her tore at my foundation. Holding her, while it stopped her crying, made me feel resentful because, damn it, I’m hungry.
What I realized at this time is that yes, it does take a village to raise a child. Or at least extended family. Unfortunately, there are no aunts or siblings or cousins or grandmoms that could help. It rested in the arms of one woman while her husband was away, and this baby was winning the challenge.
If you ever wondered what it means to be a mother, try imagining nursing a baby when you’re hungry. I had to do that several times. While tough, I thought at the time that it was a fire I had to go through. Those days have waned and I haven’t had that happen in a long time, but it challenged my emotional reserve at the time.
In the last couple weeks, since I arrived home from my mother-in-law’s, I’ve felt a certain calmness that I never experienced before. It may be due partly to Polina maturing. She is no longer a baby, but acts and looks like a toddler now. She is less needy, able to occupy herself with her toys while I do dishes, even if it does involve sitting at my feet, and since she started solids, I am able to feed her while also feeding myself.
I also think something has rubbed off from my mother-in-law.
I greatly admire my mother-in-law, who raised five children (five) while her husband wasn’t half as helpful as Pete. She sewed clothing for her girls, made breakfast, lunch and dinner for seven people on a daily basis for years (Whaaaaat?) and dealt with a husband that wasn’t always emotionally supportive.
She was so busy with chores and children that she didn’t have friendships with other mothers until her oldest started school. I joined meetup because I needed to interact with other adults and for my child to play with other children so that I could have a mini “break.” How she handled raising children without other adults to talk to, I can only imagine.
My mother-in-law said she put the children in a playpen while she worked, even if they cried. I was not able to do that with my daughter. I feel compelled to stop what I’m doing and hold her. She eventually stops and after a while, is ready for me to let her go and for me to return to what I was doing.
Despite this difference, I can appreciate my mother-in-law more now having one child than I ever understood her before I had any. I can appreciate other mothers for what they go through, even with smiles on their faces, than I ever did before I had Polina.
Originally written October 26, 2013.